How I Healed My Anxious Attachment Style with IFS
For years, I thought there was something wrong with me...
I was living a full life—successful career, beautiful friendships, travel under my belt—and yet unconsciously my sense of safety hinged on whether a man texted me back. If you’ve ever experienced anxious attachment, you know the feeling: panic, overthinking, and the belief that being alone is somehow the worst outcome of all.
In this video, I share my story of healing anxious attachment through Internal Family Systems (IFS). Here in the blog, I’ll highlight the turning points, unpack why IFS works, and offer you some extra reflections and practices.
The Pattern of Anxious Attachment
My pattern was clear: I was always dating—or at least available to date. Even at the grocery store, I’d scan for “Are you the one?”
The first few dates? Totally fine. But then something would hijack my system. Suddenly, it was: Who do I need to be to be chosen?
Maybe you know this too. For some, it looks like:
- Constantly texting or checking your phone.
- Losing sleep replaying conversations.
- Staying too long in misaligned relationships, overriding intuition with: “He’s not so bad.
The common thread? Panic. Hyper-attunement. Giving away your power.
Why Anxious Attachment Feels So Overpowering
For me, it felt like contraction in my chest. A buzzing urgency in my body. The need to act now.
At the core, it was all about safety. A part of me truly believed: I need to be with someone for my life to begin.
Logically, I knew this wasn’t true. But logic doesn’t soothe an attachment wound.
Anxious attachment isn’t who you are. It’s how your parts learned to keep you safe.
That’s why analyzing the pattern only got me so far. To actually heal, I needed to work with those parts, not against them.
Something I’ve noticed in myself and with clients is the judgment that comes with having an insecure attachment style.
It becomes another way of making ourselves wrong.
From an IFS lens, though, these patterns aren’t flaws—they’re parts shaped by legacy burdens, early adaptations, or even modern dating culture.
The work isn’t about fixing them, or rushing to become “secure.” It’s about integrating them, and discovering deeper love, trust, and sovereignty with your Self.
Discovering IFS
My turning point came through coaching training, where I first encountered IFS and then through deeper work with my own coach and regular self practice. Suddenly, all the parts of me made sense—not as flaws, but as sub-personalities doing their best.
- A part believed I had to be with a man.
- A part was terrified of being left.
- A part thought something was inherently wrong with me.
- A manager part was always scanning and strategizing.
- A firefighter part said, “Forget it, let’s just have fun”—which only created more chaos later.
IFS gave me something no other model had: a way to meet these parts with respect, love, and care.
IFS is both psychology and soul work. It goes beyond analysis into true healing. The work isn’t just in knowing your parts exist—it’s in giving them dignity. And when we do that, it feels like we’re tapped directly into Spirit, into love itself.
My Breakthrough Moment
In one session, I saw the legacy burden my system had been carrying for all these years:
“You’re supposed to be in a relationship for your life to have meaning.”
Logically, I didn’t believe that. But a part of me still did. And as long as that part was running the show, I kept abandoning myself.
Releasing that burden was the break in the cycle I needed to change everything.
Life on the Other Side
Today, I’m more secure than I’ve ever been.
I know partnership will come in divine timing, but my life isn’t on anyone else’s clock. My friendships and relationships with men are deeper and more authentic—because I no longer put them on a pedestal or try to prove my worth.
And honestly? I feel magnetic. People strike up conversations. Men offer small acts of kindness—lending me ladders, reaching items on the top shelf, even just a warm good morning.
Not because I’m trying so hard to be chosen, but because I’m at ease in myself.
And let’s name it: isn’t it ridiculous that we’ve been taught the only happy ending is “and then she found the perfect man and lived happily ever after”?
The real happy ending is this: and then I fell in love with myself. Period.
Self-Trust and Anxious Attachment
One of the hardest things about anxious attachment is that it erodes your ability to trust yourself.
Why? Because anxious attachment is built on self-abandonment. For years, I let my parts run the show—scanning, strategizing, clinging, overriding my intuition, and choosing misaligned relationships because they felt safer than being alone.
When those parts are in charge, your decisions don’t come from your calm, wise Self. They come from fear. And of course it’s hard to trust yourself when the choices you’ve made from survival necessity in the past have left you feeling hurt or ashamed.
The solution isn’t about becoming more disciplined or locking in some guarantee like: “I’ll definitely be married by 35.” (…which, let’s be honest, is usually just code for “a timeline that feels socially acceptable.”)
To trust yourself in dating and relationships isn’t about timelines, milestones, or certainty—it’s about learning to honour your parts, needs, and desires, and leading them with Self.
True self-trust is saying:
- “I hear your fear, and I’ve got you.”
- “I see your longing, and it matters.”
- “I won’t abandon you again.”
That’s when relationships shift—not because you force yourself into being “secure,” but because you finally become a trustworthy leader for your own system.
What You Can Take Away
If you’re healing anxious attachment, start here: notice your parts.
Instead of judging yourself for being “too much” or “needy,” try asking:
- What does this part of me actually need?
- How can I care for it, not criticize it?
✨ Journal prompt: Write to the part of you that panics when someone pulls away. Ask: What are you afraid will happen? Then listen.
Bonus Q&A
Can anxious attachment be healed?
Yes. Attachment wounds aren’t fixed traits—they’re patterns. With tools like IFS, you can meet the parts driving the anxiety and create secure attachment from within.
What is the fastest way to heal anxious attachment?
There’s no shortcut—but the most direct path is building safety inside yourself. Instead of outsourcing security to someone else, you learn to give it to your own parts.
How does IFS help with anxious attachment?
IFS works with your inner world of parts—the seeker, the strategist, the one who feels unworthy. Healing happens when you meet those parts with love and let your Self energy lead. That’s when the system harmonizes, inside and out.
Andrea Tessier is a Master Life Coach and Level 2 Internal Family Systems (IFS) Practitioner who helps ambitious, growth-oriented women build deep self trust, release burnt out paradigms, and step into authentic leadership. With over six years of experience blending psychology and spirituality, Andrea guides clients to reconnect with their true Self and live with clarity, peace, and wholeness.
Resources for Your Healing Journey
🌿 Download my free Self-Trust Starter Kit – practical, soulful tools rooted in IFS.
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