Why You Don’t Trust Yourself (And How to Build Self Trust That Lasts)

ifs ifs coaching ifs parts work learning to trust parts work people pleasing polarizations self abandonment wound self leadership self trust spiritual life coach Sep 18, 2025

Forget rigid discipline or waiting for guarantees—learn how to rebuild self trust from the inside out, IFS-style.

I once spent 45 minutes pacing around my apartment trying to decide whether to text him back. Forty-five minutes. And it wasn’t even a good text. Just a boring, “Hey, how was your day?”—the kind of text my boxer dog, Morty, could’ve written with his paw. 🐾

But it wasn’t about the text. It was about trust. Somewhere along the way, I had stopped trusting myself. Or maybe the harder truth? Maybe I had never really started.

People-Pleasing: The Original Self-Abandonment

If you’ve spent any amount of your life people-pleasing, then you already know: it’s hard to trust yourself.

That survival strategy says, If you’re okay first, then I’m okay. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re good, even at the expense of me.

And let’s be honest: there was a good reason for that. It probably saved you at some point in your life. But the cost? You’ve trained yourself to prioritize other people’s needs over your own—and now, when it’s time to make decisions for yourself, you feel shaky.

Polarizations: The Inner Tug-of-War

In IFS, we call it a polarization when one part of you wants one thing and another part wants the exact opposite. It shows up in small ways:

Should I eat the healthy salad (like my Responsible Part says) or order the nachos (like my Pleasure-Seeker Part insists I deserve)?
Should I stay in the relationship (my Hopeful Part) or get the F out (my Exhausted Part)?
Do I cling to the job with the golden handcuffs, or do I walk toward my heart’s yearning—even though the path is foggier than my bathroom mirror after a hot shower?

The push-pull is exhausting. And when you’re pulled in different directions, it’s no wonder you don’t know who—or what—to trust.

Haunted by “Bad Decisions”

Then there are the parts still pissed about the “bad decisions” of your past.

Staying in a relationship long after your intuition—or your inner child—was screaming GET OUT.
Not standing up for yourself at critical moments.
Playing small in your work, only to watch the opportunity pass by.

Those parts aren’t just bruised—they’re resentful. They don’t forgive easily. And until you extend real self-forgiveness, they’ll keep blocking you from trusting yourself again.

Self-Abandonment on Repeat

And then, there’s the pattern:

In business, believing someone else knows the strategy, the plan, the purpose better than you.
With family, saying yes when you meant no. (Like setting the boundary that the car leaves at 8:30 sharp…and still waiting in the driveway while your teenager takes their sweet time.)
In love, overriding your intuition to convince yourself, maybe he’s not so bad.

Time and again, you abandon yourself. And each time, trust drains out like water from a leaky bucket.

The Myth of Discipline

Here’s the mistake I—and so many women I know—have made: thinking the fix is more discipline.

More rigid boundaries. More harshness. More “dig your heels in.”
But that’s just another overcorrection, another imbalance. It’s still polarization—just dressed up in a power blazer.

So if it’s not about rigidity or letting everything go…what’s left?

A middle path.

The Myth of Certainty

Here’s another sneaky reason you don’t trust yourself: you’re still secretly (or not-so-secretly) banking on certainty.

You want the guarantee. The sure thing. The iron-clad promise that if you make this choice, it will absolutely lead to that outcome. Like: I’ll only trust myself if I know, for sure, this business idea will succeed. Or I can only trust myself if saying yes to this relationship guarantees he’ll never break my heart.

That isn’t trust. That’s bargaining with the universe. That’s fear of the unknown dressed up as self-protection.

The truth? No amount of self-trust will ever give you a guarantee.

What it will give you is this:

The best, most aligned choice you can make in the moment.
The grounded knowing, in your bones, that whatever happens—you’ll meet it. You’ll handle it. You’ll grow from it.
The deep exhale of realizing you don’t need certainty, because you’ve got you.

The Leader Your Parts Are Waiting For

Here’s the truth: your parts don’t trust you. And you don’t trust them. They’ve been running wild, trying their best, but what they actually need? A leader.

That leader is Self—your calm, compassionate, clear-eyed essence.
Self can be trusted. Self has the zoomed-out perspective, the clarity, the dignity. Self doesn’t bulldoze your parts or abandon them. It holds them, integrates them, and leads with wisdom.

When you say you don’t trust yourself, what you really mean is: you don’t trust the parts that have made decisions in the past. And they don’t trust you to lead them now.

That’s the bridge. Rebuilding trust isn’t about doubling down—it’s about bringing Self forward.

So, What Happens When You Do Trust Yourself?

When trust returns, everything changes:

You make choices aligned with where you’re going, even when they scare you.
You’re okay with being uncomfortable for the right reasons. (Remember when Ted Lasso benched Jamie Tartt in Season 1? The whole franchise hated him. And he still stuck to his integrity. That’s Self-energy in action.)
You make bold moves that move the needle in your work—hosting the event, launching the offer, saying yes to the path no one else sees.
You set boundaries that actually teach others how to honor you.
You carry yourself with dignity—heart forward, unshakable.

And then something magical happens.

You stride.
The way you walk down the street changes.
People notice. Opportunities flow. Your parts exhale.

That’s magnetic AF.

A Love Letter to You (and Your Self)

Sweet one, I know you’ve doubted yourself. You’ve overanalyzed, over-apologized, and probably said yes when your whole body was screaming no. You’ve let the world’s noise drown out your own knowing—and then blamed yourself for not being clearer, faster, stronger.

But here’s what I want you to hear: there is nothing wrong with you. You are not forever damned to be this way. Your parts were only ever trying to protect you the best way they knew how.

And now? They’re waiting. Waiting for you to show up—not with more discipline, not with more punishment, but with Self. With compassion, with clarity, with that magnetic, heart-forward strut that says: I’ve got me.

And listen: you don’t need a guarantee. You don’t need to know how it will all unfold. You only need the knowing in your bones that whatever happens—you’ll meet it, you’ll hold yourself through it, and you’ll rise from it.

So next time you find yourself spiraling about a text Morty could’ve written, remember this: Self has the steering wheel now. And she knows the way.

Trust her. Trust you.

Xoxo
Andrea

About Andrea

Andrea Tessier is a Master Life Coach and Level 2 Internal Family Systems (IFS) Practitioner who helps ambitious, growth-oriented women build deep self trust, release burnt out paradigms, and step into authentic leadership. With over six years of experience blending psychology and spirituality, Andrea guides clients to reconnect with their true Self and live with clarity, peace, and wholeness.

✨ Begin your journey: Download the FREE Self Trust Starter Kit: An IFS Parts Work Guide to Finally Trust Yourself Again

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