The 4 Stages of Self-Trust: A Roadmap to Lasting Change
If you’ve ever tried to change something in your life — your confidence, your relationships, your business, or that cycle of self-sabotage you can’t seem to break — you already know it’s not easy.
But here’s what most women don’t realize: it’s not a lack of willpower or discipline that keeps you looping.
It’s that you’re making the same mistakes I see ambitious women make over and over again in my coaching practice.
Once you see them, you can choose differently.
And that’s where self-trust comes in.
Self-trust is the foundation for all change — the invisible thread that connects intention, responsibility, courage, and action. It’s what allows you to move through fear, uncertainty, and doubt with grace.
In my work with Internal Family Systems (IFS), I call this the Self-Trust Blueprint — a roadmap of transformation that unfolds through four stages.
Stage 1: Intention — Clarity of Desire
For a long time, I convinced myself I was being intentional — but really, I was shape-shifting.
Every new mentor, every new season, I’d shift what I said I wanted: build this course, launch that group, claim a niche that never felt like me.
Underneath all that noise, I already knew what I wanted: to work deeply, one-on-one, with clients at a high level. That’s where I come alive.
But I didn’t trust that could be enough.
So I ignored it. I called it “strategy,” but it was really avoidance — avoidance of the truth of what I wanted and the fear that it might not be possible.
It’s no wonder I was only accessing a fraction of the success that was available to me.
Mistake #1: Wishing and hoping.
Wishing that something will magically shift. Hoping that one day, you’ll “wake up different.”
Truth → Wishing and hoping don’t have the same power as intention. Change begins when you decide — fully — that you’re ready.
Other ways this shows up:
- In business, this is the moment you admit that the strategy you’ve been forcing doesn’t feel aligned anymore.
- In relationships, it’s realizing you’re done settling for half-hearted connection.
- In daily life, it’s the whisper that says, “I want to feel at peace.”
Intention isn’t about forcing clarity — it’s about being honest enough to name what’s already true inside you.
Stage 2: Responsibility — Radical Ownership
Lara came to me deeply overwhelmed. Her anxiety ran her life, her work hours were endless, and she felt powerless to change any of it.
In her mind, the problem was her boss. Her schedule. The demands of her career.
And while some of that was true, what she couldn’t yet see was how much she was giving her power away. She had unconsciously decided she didn’t have a choice.
When Lara began to see this pattern — that she was playing the role of the victim in her own story — something clicked.
Responsibility didn’t feel like blame. It felt like freedom.
Once she saw her role clearly, she could finally start changing it.
Mistake #2: Blame and avoidance.
Blaming circumstances, partners, jobs — or waiting for life to rearrange itself.
Truth → You have to take radical responsibility. Accept and become aware of how you’ve consciously or unconsciously played a part in where you are right now. Responsibility is the gateway to freedom.
Other ways this shows up:
- In business, it’s realizing burnout isn’t just your boss’s fault — it’s your over-functioning part trying to keep you safe.
- In relationships, it’s seeing how you’ve been managing instead of connecting.
- In life, it’s noticing how often you tell yourself you “don’t have a choice.”
Responsibility isn’t punishment — it’s power. It’s how you reclaim your ability to respond from Self, rather than react from fear.
Stage 3: Shadow Work — Working With Ego, Fear, and Beliefs
Once you set a clear intention, every part of you that doesn’t believe it’s possible comes online.
For me, this stage was humbling.
When I finally admitted I wanted to work deeply 1:1 with high-level clients, I expected clarity to feel empowering. Instead, it kicked up a storm.
There was a voice that whispered, “Someone else knows better than you.”
A belief that said, “You’re not smart enough to figure this out.”
And a vigilant part that pleaded, “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
This internal family of parts had been loyal protectors — shaped by old conditioning, echoes of my father’s “I know better than you,” and a legacy burden that success and power come from external validation.
It wasn’t pretty to face. But when I did — when I honestly saw what was there — I realized something profound: Awareness gives you choice.
Choice to rewrite the belief.
Choice to live a new story.
Choice to return your power to where it belongs — inside you.
That’s the real work of this stage. Not pushing the fear away, but meeting it so fully that you remember: you’re the one who gets to decide what’s true now.
Mistake #3: Stopping at awareness.
Endlessly analyzing or “understanding” without taking new action.
Truth → Awareness is only the beginning. Once you see the patterns clearly, you gain the freedom to choose differently — to write the story you actually want to live.
Other ways this shows up:
- In business, it’s realizing your perfectionism isn’t the problem — it’s a signal that a part of you needs reassurance, not judgment.
- In relationships, it’s seeing that your withdrawal isn’t avoidance — it’s protection from old pain.
- In life, it’s catching yourself in self-doubt and asking, “What would Self choose here instead?”
The Shadow Work I do from an IFS lens clears the fog between who you’ve been and who you’re becoming. It’s the bridge from awareness to choice — from fear to freedom.
Stage 4: Embodied Action — Choice, Action, and Being
This stage isn’t about massive leaps or overnight change. It’s about small, deliberate choices — over and over again — until they become who you are.
This is the stage of becoming intentional about everything. Not rigid, but aware.
Every conversation, every decision, every moment of stillness becomes an opportunity to ask:
Am I being the one who can hold my intention?
This is what builds self-trust — the steady practice of choosing alignment, not once, but again and again.
When you choose it now, and choose it often, something shifts: the doing dissolves into being.
Mistake #4: Waiting for the right time.
Telling yourself, “Once I feel ready, then I’ll act.”
Truth → There is no “right” time. Change happens through small, intentional actions that align you with the future you’re creating.
Other ways this shows up:
- In business, it’s rewriting your website to sound like you, not who you think you should be.
- In relationships, it’s practicing honesty in small, everyday moments instead of grand gestures.
- In daily life, it’s choosing rest when your system needs it — even when your achiever part protests.
Embodied Action is where choice becomes character. It’s the quiet revolution that happens when every small act honours who you’re becoming.
Why It’s a Spiral
You’ll move through these four stages again and again — intention, responsibility, shadow, embodiment — each time meeting yourself with more compassion, courage, and clarity.
What once felt like effort becomes flow.
What once felt like fear becomes faith.
What once felt like control becomes trust.
This is the path of self-leadership.
The spiral of becoming.
Ready to Walk Your Own Spiral of Self-Trust?
✨ Grab my Free Self-Trust Starter Kit: An IFS Guide to Finally Trust Yourself Again
If you’re ready to stop second-guessing yourself and start leading your life from your calm, wise core, let’s explore what’s possible together.
✨ Book a free 60-minute Self-Trust Blueprint Discovery Call — a guided conversation to help you uncover where you are in your own spiral of self-trust, what’s holding you back, and what’s ready to shift next.
👉 Book your Self-Trust Blueprint Discovery Call here: https://andreatessiercoaching.as.me/Discovery
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Andrea Tessier, M.Ed is a Master Life Coach and Level-2 IFS Practitioner, and the creator of The Self-Trust Blueprint—a transformational framework that blends Internal Family Systems with spiritual coaching to help ambitious, growth-oriented women release old patterns, build deep self-trust, and lead from their true Self.