My Healing Journey

It’s not pretty, that’s for sure. 

The person you see now is confident, content and accepting. 

But it wasn’t always this way, Maybe it looked this way. I had perfected that. 

For me, this didn’t even begin because I hated my teaching job. I just wanted to HAVE a boyfriend! To be in a relationship. I thought if I could just find that love and connection then everything else would be certain, I would be significant, my life could begin. 

I couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t working? I thought I had it all figured out. That was it. I was trying to figure it out. 

I began by intellectually wrapping my head around what was happening….lack of boundaries, attachment style, self worth. I filled my ears with podcasts, my social media with inspiring posts and my bedside table with all the books. And every-time I set out to find this ideal partner, every single message seemed to return to me to myself. What the actual fuck?! 

It became painfully clear that I had to look. I had to feel. I had to surrender. 

So every task in every self help book book, I did it. Every podcast I listened to, I journaled. I reached out for guidance from tarot, psychics and beyond. I got really good at knowing all the stuff. It became a full time job. 

Enter Megan. My coach, my teacher, my cheerleader and guide. Megan taught me how to feel. Even though I knew so much already. I hadn’t mastered it emotionally. And this, my friends, is where the good stuff lies. Over time, patience and presence, I saw my ugly thoughts for what they were. I saw old wounds and how the choices I continued to make turned into unconscious, unhelpful patterns. And rather than hating them, shaming them, telling them to go away, I just looked at them. There you are. You exist. I see you.  

The hardest thing for me was simply to look. Beyond this safe perfectionist veil I created as a small child was hurt and pain and fear and confusion. And I felt it all in my body. Seeing it, acknowledging it is 95% of the battle. So I took time to rest, heal and digest it all. Allowing my parasympathetic nervous system to do it’s work, maybe for the first time. 

The thing of it is I came to realize, you can only go as deep with another as you have with yourself. My desire for love and connection was actually a deep rooted need for significance and certainty. My authenticity was masked by perfectionism. The quality of connections I had with others went only as deep as I was. The answers were not in the plans, the perfection and the doing.

And over many many months, Integrating through yoga and committing every single day to this process, I am. And the best part; my self-worth does not rest in my relationship status. It doesn’t rest in my role as a teacher either.  

And if you think you might be interested in diving deep with me. Let’s get started. I’ve got you.