A Perfectionist's Guide to Thrive

Hi, I’m Andrea and I’m a recovering perfectionist. 

I remember wearing it as a badge of honour going for interviews when I was much younger and striving for perfection still seemed like a great idea. The interviewer would ask the question about weaknesses and I’d say it almost proudly - like I had figured out the best answer possible to this question. I’m a perfectionist. 

Perfectionism shows up a lot in the world of teachers. We see it in our students and many of us identify with this part of ourselves.

Perfectionism is a learned survival strategy. We developed it because it worked. It worked really really well for a long time. The ability to be hyper-vigilant to anything that could possibly go wrong, that may put us in the line of criticism, anger or judgement and do everything in our power to avoid it. And just like any other defence, it works until it doesn’t. 

What’s so bad about wanting to get it right? It’s when it comes with a cost. The cost being our authenticity, our joy, our sense of self and our relationships.

Perfectionists often experience high levels of stress that impact all other areas of life. They are at a high risk for burnout--feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted to such an extent that they don't want to continue. Like a ball and chain holding us back - perfectionism stunts creativity, the joy in learning and in exploring something new. 

This is the true time sucker. Depleting our free time at work and spilling into home life. Imagine the time that goes into the perfect worksheet, rubric or bulletin board could be spent with family, nature or a good book. 

^{As an Aside: Can we all acknowledge for a moment Pinterest Shame? You know what I’m talking about - when you are looking for classroom inspiration and you end up feeling terrible about yourself because someone is doing it better or more perfectly. Or when someone shares a lesson plan idea and claims rave reviews only to have it flop in your face when you attempt the same.}

You see, below the surface, the defence covers deep wounds of insecurity. Rooted in shame, perfectionism reminds us that we are not doing enough, having enough or simply being enough. The feedback in our mind is a critical asshole. Imagine if it were another person saying these negative statements to us in the way we speak to ourselves. We wouldn’t stand for it. We’d leave immediately. 

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”

― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Defences come in all different shapes and sizes depending on how we learned to cope early on. Perfectionism is just one defence but shows up viciously as a precursor to burn out. First, it needs to be honoured for how it did help at one time. It was developed to protect ourselves in some way with the resources of a younger version of ourselves who did not know what it does now. Get curious: What was it like early on to make a mistake? 

It runs deep as a subconscious response now even if the threat is no longer present. How does perfectionism help me now? Our chance at living a fulfilling life outside the constraints of perfectionism is available to us once we develop other ways of coping with stress and uncertainty, pain and fear. Get curious about this part. Ask questions, free from self-judgement, and see what is revealed. What do I fear will happen if I’m not perfect? Perhaps it protects you from feeling pain, fear, hurt or anger or keeps you feeling in control. Maybe there is a deep wound of abandonment, or that you won’t be accepted, loved or belong if you don’t do things just so. 

Recognizing it, feeling the emotion behind it gives the space to choose a different thought, create a new belief and make a new plan. It is this clarity that allows us to feel calm, compassionate and confident.

Perfectionism and the shame that goes along with it cover up deep rooted fears. And there’s a way out... Get real comfy with this fear. The next time you feel the uncomfortable emotions flood in, I invite you to sit with it. Feel it in your body. Get really really curious. Ask it: What are you afraid of? What are you avoiding? There is information there. Then allow yourself the courage to sit with the discomfort of the exposure of not doing it perfectly just one time. See what happens.

The gift of being human is in our imperfections.

Reclaiming our time and our worth starts here:

1. First acknowledging that you are already enough and you don't need to be perfect to continue making progress towards your goals.
2. Recognize any negative thoughts and know that you don’t have to believe them. In fact, you can create new thoughts and new beliefs anytime you want.  
3. Self-care - rebuild trust in yourself by simply being kind and compassionate to you.  
4. Your productivity does not determine your worth. Read that again. Allow it to become your mantra. 
5. Take time away from work to BE in the present moment and reconnect with joy.